Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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