In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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