So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
