Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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