My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize