we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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