Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cops high fived after they tackled you
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
