My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
