I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
