im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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