i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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