I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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