I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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