My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
is wine microwaveable?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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