Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
