we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
