Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
