so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Dear god my vagina.
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