You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize