If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
