My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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