I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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