I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
