I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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