Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
