i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I fill condoms, not promises.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
