I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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