Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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