dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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