Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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