Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
