And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
