this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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