Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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