Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
