my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
