Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
