Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
