you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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