Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize