I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
tell me about the fingering
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