this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
