I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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