dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sobbing to NWA
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
