I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We need to get me chipped asap
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
