Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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