I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I forget how to act sober
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
