He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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