Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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