Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I met the friendliest cop last night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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