It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
