you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
