I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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