My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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