2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
