dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
