I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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