i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
