i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
