Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
