Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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