i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
