dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
